We Do What We Want To
by MissingMcDreamy
Summary: A ficlet that fills in the blanks of episode 5.22. Meredith and Derek reflect on the day that could have been their wedding day, allowing us insight as to how the day changed.
1. Chapter 1

**Hey all, I know that "The Cure for Pain" is basically left hanging on the vine, but some IRL stuff has kept me from finishing it. In the meantime, I have a ficlet that will be maybe 3-4 parts, filling in the blanks of Episode 5.22 as Meredith and Derek reflect on the day.**

The fire had long since burned out. The balloons had begun their slow descent to the floor. The day had been rife with both conflicting and harmonious emotions. It ended nothing like it had begun, which was surprising, yet in the afterglow, entirely predictable.

"_I have an idea that could make it even better," Derek whispered to Meredith, as her arms draped over his shoulders, her eyes crinkling around the edges in anticipation. "This isn't our wedding…it isn't._"

_Meredith pulled back momentarily in surprise, just as Derek's arms pulled her back against him. "I want to marry you…today, I do. But this wasn't even when we were supposed to get married. Maybe we should…I mean…we could ask…"he stammered a bit nervously. It was an idea that had just popped into his brain as he was studying Izzie's. He liked to think that he knew Meredith now. The dark, the twisty, all of it. But still, postponing one's wedding on the day of said wedding? Even he wasn't sure it was the best idea. The right idea, for certain, but not maybe not the best._

"_Any chance I can get you to use your words here? I do need to kinda get going. It takes a lot of work to become Izzie's personal Barbie doll" she smiled, nothing but trust in her words as she playfully cocked her head to one side._

"_We found another tumor. Izzie. It's small, but it's so deep, I don't know that even I can…" he looked down in slight defeat. There was no Godlike surgeon here, just a man, her fiancé showing the chink in his pride. "The Chief said that harvesting the eggs was your idea."_

_Meredith nodded as a pallor came over her face at the words 'another tumor'. Noticing the commotion beginning in the locker room as the shift change began, Derek led Meredith to his office in silence. Every few steps, a colleague would offer their congratulations, and with clasped hands, the pair would nod and smile, belying the ache each felt._

_As Meredith sat on the couch, Derek leaned against the back of his desk chair, bringing his hand down his face. He took a breath and began to speak, "We have time. My sisters and mom, they couldn't get out here for today anyway, they're supposed to be here next week. She's your…she's our friend, she's one of the good ones. And Karev…" _

"_Does he know yet? About the tumor, does he know?"_

"_I just finished updating him, he's…I've given bad news before, but I felt like I was taking a knife to his heart and cutting out his future. He probably could use you, I know you two are close. But here's what I was thinking. You said it yourself, this is Izzie's dream wedding. It's not ours…and…"_

"_You want to give them our wedding?" she said, finishing his thought, shifting her weight a bit, as if her body was testing the idea as she began to nod. "They'd get married today. Their wedding, not ours…And we'd?"_

_Derek sighed as his body relaxed, she had said what he couldn't get past his tongue. "We'd get married, next week. But we'd have our wedding, not someone else's."_

"_Beer and wings at Joe's after?" she said, her bottom lip between her teeth as a twinkle fluttered briefly in her eyes._

_Derek sat down next to her, guiding her head to his shoulder as he stroked her hair. "Whatever you want. I just want you." _

_Meredith brought the back of her hand to her eyes to wipe the pooling tears from her face. Her nose became congested as she thought about her friends – one in a bed with an inoperable tumor, and the other who would be left behind. She collected herself and straightened up as she looked at her watch. "I should go talk to him…you know, do the thing."_

"_You do," he warmly concurred._

"_Should I let him know you'll be sending him a bill for everything Izzie bought?"_

_Derek smiled at her attempt to make him laugh, "Tell him it's our wedding present to them."_

"_Derek…" she said, turning serious. "Are you sure? I mean, I know they can't really afford it, but they're my friends, and I got you into this…you don't have to…"_

_He silenced her with a kiss, "I'm sure. Go on, he needs you."_

"_See you at the church?"_

"_Yeah, I'm going to go get my suit. I'll see you there."_

"_Derek…?" she sighed, a slight frown crossing her lips. His eyes met hers in concern as she continued, "It's not our wedding day anymore."_

"_I know," he said, kissing her scalp as he embraced her tightly. "I know."_

"_Okay…" she breathed, letting go – their hands the last to drop before she disappeared through the door to find her friends._

* * *

_  
_

"Mmmm….what time is it?" Meredith asked in a raspy voice.

"Time for sleeeeeping" Derek drawled as he snuggled closer into Meredith. Had either of them the energy to check a clock, they'd have known it was only 4am. As she wrapped his legs with her own, she let out a sweet and satisfied sigh, drifting back to sleep. The fact that it was still dark out was good enough proof for her.

"_Cristina, I need your help," Meredith yelled, as she ran to catch the elevator Cristina had stepped onto. Catching her breath, she quickly rambled "I need you to help me talk to everyone at the church. I need Bailey, and George…and oh, Lexie, tell her she's not in the wedding anymore, and then we need…"_

"_Do you need a getaway car? 'Cause Mer? I don't have the time for another trip to Hawaii right now."_

"_What? No!" Meredith shook her head quickly. "I'm not getting married today, but…"_

"_Ugh, Mer…if this were six months ago, I could have seen this coming, but seriously?" her friend said in mock exasperation._

"_No, no. Listen, Cristina. Derek and I talked, and I don't have time to get into the details, but Alex is going to talk to Izzie and we're giving them our wedding. Him, me? We're fine. Not Meredith fine, but really, fine-fine," she continued animatedly._

_Cristina tried to stifle a slight grin as Meredith spoke. Izzie had Cristina pegged both right and wrong when she told her about the cancer. Sure, she was methodical and efficient medically, but as a person, she was anything but detached and cold. There was something bold yet touching about what Meredith proposed. "Okay, but there are like a hundred people at a church expecting the Grey-Shepherd wedding extravaganza. Don't you think they'll be a little confused when Alex is standing up there and Shepherd is in the crowd?"_

"_Well, that's where I need you. Can you go to the church and tell everyone what's going on? I need to talk to some folks here."_

"_Maid of honor kinda suits you Mer, you're out Izzie-ing Izzie."_

"_First off, no one can out Izzie Iz. Have you seen her room lately? Secondly, I'm not the Maid of Honor."_

"_Who is then? And what are you?"_

"_Best Man," Meredith grinned proudly. "Alex asked if I'd stand up there with him, it was sweet. So that makes you," she said, touching her finger to Cris' nose, "the Maid of Honor."_

"_Yeah, okay," Cristina replied matter-of-factly. "I better head over. I have a wedding to call off and announce."_

_As Cristina left, Meredith pressed the elevator button for the floor with the interns' lounge. She checked her watch, an hour and a half until the wedding. She stood in the doorway for a moment and watched Lexie before interrupting. Lexie was cursing herself and sucking on her finger, after burning herself with the curling iron._

"_Another thing we have in common. We're both bumbling messes sometimes."_

"_Meredith!" Lexie exclaimed. "Why isn't your hair done yet, I mean it's nice with the braids, but I thought you were wearing it loose, and oh my God, was I supposed to help you. Shit, my first real official sister thing for you and I've already screwed up."_

"_Lexie, it's okay. You're fine. I just need to talk to you for a second."_

"_Oh," she sighed in relief. "What do you need me to do?"_

"_Kindanotbeinthewedding?" Meredith said in one gulp._

"_Of course…wait, what? Did I do something wrong? Is this about Mark and Derek? Are they fighting again and you don't want us there, because I can talk to him…"_

"_LEXIE!" Meredith shouted, cutting off her sister's ramble. "It's not that, you're still in my wedding, it's just that it's not happening today."_

"_What? Why not? Is everything alright?"_

"_Kinda," Meredith said with a bit of a grimace. "Izzie's…well, you know Izzie's diagnosis, and Derek and I talked and we're letting them have today. We want them to have today."_

_Lexie's face changed from confusion to sadness to pride, and everything in between. "Wow. That's just…wow. Can I help? Is there anything you need?"_

"_Your dress?" Meredith asked hopefully. "We're pretty close to the same size. If you go now, you can get home and changed in time. Derek's talking to Mark and he's going to drive you."_

"_Okay. I can do that," she nodded, handing the hanger over to Meredith. "That's so romantic, what you guys and Alex are doing for her. I hope I have someone who loves me that much someday. I mean, without the cancer and stuff."_

"_Oh, I think you're close. Mark doesn't usually fight back…" Meredith grinned as the two made their way out the locker room door. "He's waiting for you. I have to find Bailey and George."_

"_Thanks Meredith. I'll see you in a bit," she said, as they went in opposite directions._

_Luckily, Bailey was just as easy to find. If she wasn't on shift, she still seemed to always be looking at charts or visiting patients in the pediatric ward. True to form, she was there, dressed to the nines with perfect makeup and reviewing a case file._

"_Dr. Bailey," Meredith interrupted._

"_Grey? Shouldn't you be getting ready for your wedding?"_

"_I don't have a lot of time to explain, but I really need your help with Izzie."_

"_Shepherd said she could go to the wedding, is she not feeling well or something? You shouldn't be worrying about that, I'm her doctor, I can make sure she gets there."_

"_That's the thing. Derek told me…about the tumor, he said it's back, the hallucinations, Denny. Anyway, we thought maybe she doesn't have a lot of…well, you know."_

"_Time?" she said gently. "That girl's a fool, I'm makin' sure she has every expert on her case. It's gonna be hard, but she is *going* to beat this thing."_

_Meredith forced a smile at Bailey's passion, but Alex's belief that she was dying kept repeating in her head. "This is her day, Izzie's. I need you to help me stall her until I can get everything else set, but…it's her day. Derek, Me, Alex…we want her to have her dream wedding."_

"_Meredith Grey, are you doing what I think you're doing?" Miranda said, stepping back in awe. Meredith bravely nodded, still scared for her friend as each second ticked away. "I know I said to do better, but you make me proud. Go on, I'll cover for you. How much time do you need?"_

"_About 10 minutes? I need to do one more thing and then I'll meet you and Alex at her room with the dress," she replied as Miranda shooed her away._

_George. He was going to be the hardest one to tell. After changing into the purple bridesmaids' dress, She checked the OR board. He wasn't in surgery. He wasn't in the lounge. He wasn't even in the ER, where he seemed to spend most of his time nowadays. Having looked everywhere else, she took a last look at the clinic, and surprisingly found him there, laying on a spare gurney._

"_George? What are you doing in here?" Meredith asked in a soft voice. With the bus crash, Seattle Grace had closed off the clinic and routed them to other hospitals, so it was almost deadly quiet in the large room._

"_She's dying. She's actually freakin' dying, and she didn't tell me," he whispered angrily as he stared at the ceiling. "I know I shouldn't be mad, but she was my best friend. And you know the irony of it all? When I was with Callie, I told her to basically accept her or lose me as a friend. And now? It's bad enough that I lost her to Alex, but a ghost? She wanted to spend more time with a ghost than with me. Maybe it was all in my head. She wanted them, so she settled for me."_

"_You heard about the tumor?"_

"_Two of the nurses were talking about it over one of my traumas today. I lost 8 patients, and I found out I'm losing her too," he said as his eyes became glassy._

"_Maybe, maybe we're all losing her, but she needs you now. I need you now."_

"_I know," he said, sitting up, already in his suit. "I wasn't going to miss your wedding, I promise. It just…It's been a long day."_

"_Yeah," she agreed. "But it's not really my day. Izzie worked really hard to make this the perfect wedding, and she'd be devastated if you didn't go to see it."_

"_Yeah…" he admitted sorely. "Wait…why aren't you in a wedding dress right now?"_

"_That's what I need to talk to you about. She's getting married, George. Izzie. Like, soon." Meredith sat next to her friend and stared him straight in the eye, "And if you don't go? If you're not there for her? If she looks into the crowd and doesn't see your face? I don't think she'll make it down that aisle."_

"_But what about…?"_

"_Derek and I are going to have our wedding…soon, but today…Izzie's getting married today, and we need to go."_

"_Okay," he quietly said, straightening his tie and standing up. "But I'm going to head over on my own if that's okay. I need to…I just need to clear my head."_

_Understanding his request for space completely, Meredith hugged George strongly but briefly before watching him head out the door. He seemed so lost these days, rudderless, but she knew that in a crisis, George always managed to come through._


	2. Chapter 2

**A teething 14 week old (don't get me started) doesn't do wonders for creativity, but here's what I have. One more update after this one, I think.**

Meredith's snore, though gentle, brought Derek out of his post-coital slumber. Somehow over the last few hours they had rolled so that he was spooning her. He gently readjusted them, and her breathing went back to a more normal pattern. Soon the sun would break through the windows, and they would want to get off the floor, but for now he was content to stay put.

"_Hey, man. You want a ride over to the church?"Mark said as he watched Derek come out of the Residents' locker room. Moments before, Meredith had come through that same door, moving with a purpose and an anxious smile on her face._

"_About that…" Derek said with contorted grimace. "Change of plans."_

"_No way, nuh uh. Do you know the kind of crap I'm going to get from Lexie if you guys don't do this? And seriously? You owe me with her." Mark protested._

"_I owe you getting married?" Derek asked with an indignant look._

"_Well, maybe not married, but you still owe me."_

"_One, I don't owe you. If anything, we're even. And two, I'm not getting married today," Derek explained, his voice turning more somber. "I…I found another tumor. On Stevens, I found another tumor today."_

"_Stevens?" Mark asked, with Derek nodding in reply with 'hmmm' of agreement. "So what then, are you operating?"_

"_No, it's too tough a location, I'm letting the oncologist take a shot," Derek said as the two made their way towards the hospital exit._

"_No wonder Grey was crabby with me in her solo today," Mark said as he scratched at his beard._

"_Or maybe she was crabby because you and Richard were crowding her. Thanks for ruining my gift, by the way."_

"_What? I was just observing!" Mark defended lightly._

"_By hovering and threatening her about a third Best Man's speech?" Derek joked back. "I'll remember this when Lexie gets her solo surgery."_

"_Whatever, man", he dismissed. "Anyway, what's the deal with today then? You need me to go to the church and send everyone home?"_

"_No, actually we decided, Meredith and I, we decided to let Karev and Stevens get married today, since, you know…" Derek trailed off, leaving the possible outcome of Izzie's diagnosis unspoken._

"_That's morbid. Whose idea was it? Had to be Grey, you'd have married her in the chapel by now if it was your idea."_

"_It was my idea," Derek deadpanned at Mark. _

"_Right, well, what are you and Grey doing then?"_

"_Mom and the girls are coming out next week anyhow, so I figure we'll go back to that. Something small, simple…something more…"_

"_You?"_

"_Yeah."_

"_Thank God. You looked more uncomfortable in that morning coat than you did on your *last* wedding day," Mark said, eliciting a glare from Derek._

"_I didn't look uncomfortable that day…"Derek protested._

"_Oh right, that was me," Mark swiftly laughed as he patted Derek on the back._

_Ignoring the reference to his wedding to Addison, Derek moved on. "At any rate, you and Lexie aren't in the wedding anymore, so you'll need to take her back to the house and get changed."_

"_Is this some sort of elaborate plan to replace me as the best man or something?" Mark asked warily. "Because I promised one of the bridesmaids I'd hook up with her, since I've sworn off sleeping with your brides and all…"_

"_Nice, Mark," Derek said, shaking his head. "No, you're still the best man, just not today."_

"_That works," Mark paused. "All kidding aside though, you okay with all this?"_

"_Are you and Lexie still staying at the hotel tonight?"_

"_We can," Mark said, a bit confused._

"_Then I have my night all worked out. Don't worry about us…" Derek grinned. "See you at the church?"_

"_See you there, man."_

_

* * *

  
_

_Derek arrived at the church in his suit and immediately walked towards Richard, who was seated near the front._

"_Shep! I'm surprised Stevens let you get away with a suit, I could have sword I saw a picture of you in a morning coat on the website," the Chief remarked, a smile wide across his face._

"_There's a website?" Derek asked dully._

"_Oh yeah…lots of people signing your guestbook, a registry…"_

"_We didn't register anywhere…" Derek said, getting nervous. He could picture the horribly ornate Lenox vase collection already._

"_No no, Stevens set up donations to some charities in your name. The Alzheimer's Association and some other ones. Thought Meredith would appreciate it, what with Ellis and all."_

_Derek took a step back in surprise. He and Meredith agreed that they didn't need to register, but it hadn't crossed their minds to do something as thoughtful as what Izzie had done. Though living with Karev and Stevens had tested his limits, in this moment, he was glad he had agreed to it months ago._

"_I'm sure she will," he smiled, sitting down in the empty seat behind his old friend. _

"_Don't get too comfortable, now. You have a big speech to give in a few minutes. You went big right? Nothing says wedding like making the crowd break into tears."_

"_I'm sure we have that part covered, but um…I'm not going to be doing the speaking."_

"_Come again?" Richard asked._

_Just then, Cristina stepped out onto the altar, awkwardly scanning the room. If he were to describe her face, it would almost be like the one Meredith had the day that she announced that there would be no wedding. How ironic that Cristina would be making a similar proclamation less than a year later. A hush came over the crowd as she cleared her throat._

"_Um. So hi everyone," She began. When no one responded, she looked down briefly to summon her strength. "I know you were expecting Derek and Meredith to get married here in a few minutes but, yeah, that's not happening now…"_

_Murmurs spread like wildfire. 'I knew it!' 'Not again' and 'What did he do this time?' peppered the crowd. Derek groaned when he swore he heard one of the nurses dial a phone and say 'Rose, you're never going to believe this.'_

_Quickly, Cristina spattered out, "No..NO! I mean, They are…getting married. Derek and Meredith are still totally getting married. Just not today." _

_People moaned, a few even standing up, until Alex appeared by her side and whispered, "Some Maid of Honor you are…I got this." Alex turned to the crowd and shouted, "People! Sit DOWN. I'm getting married today. To Isobel Stevens. In a few minutes, my bride is gonna walk down that aisle, and Shepherd and Grey made it happen, so shut the hell up." He turned around, noticing the pastor behind him, and then calmly said, "Respectfully. Shut up, please." Derek again grimaced as Steve the intern, seated behind him, snorted loudly at the ruckus._

_Confusion soon subsided, as Derek explained the situation to the people sitting near him, passed whispers took care of the rest. It wasn't long until the ceremony started and the doors opened for the wedding party. This wasn't the procession that had been meticulously planned. Meredith walked down the aisle, glowing in the purple bridesmaids dress. It wasn't how he had pictured her earlier in the day, when the two stood side by side in front of the altar, but it was perfect._


	3. Chapter 3

The wedding was ornate, and anything but ordinary. The bride barely made it down the aisle, not from nerves, but from exhaustion. After the presentation of the couple, they were whisked away, not by a sleek limousine, but by an ambulance. Isobel Stevens and Alex Karev were now married, husband and wife, until death parted them. Would it part them the next day, the next month, or by some miracle, decades from then? No one could guarantee them a future together, but they did have the moment, the now. That was good enough.

When Meredith began to stir, she found herself alone on the floor, wrapped tenderly in the blanket that they had shared overnight. Her nostrils perked up before her eyes found the strength to open, the blissful smell of coffee filling the air. She stretched languidly, bringing her hands to her chest as she smiled and stared at the ceiling. She cracked her toes and rolled her ankles gently, finally admitting that her non-wedding day was over and a new morning had come.

"Mmm, good morning," Derek said as he looked up from his paper and cup of coffee. He walked over to the counter, pressing the toaster down and pouring Meredith a cup of her own. "Since we have the day off, I figured I'd let you sleep in a bit."

"Thanks," she said in a gravelly voice. "How long have you been up?"

"A few hours," he shrugged, buttering the toast and putting it down in front of her as the two sat down at the table. They settled into comfortable silence for a few minutes, Derek knew better than to attempt too much conversation with Meredith before the caffeine had kicked in. Once he saw her begin to relax, he smiled. "What do you want to do today?"

"I dunno, anyone else we can give a wedding to?" she laughed.

"Not that I can think of offhand," he chuckled. "It could be a good way to get Mark and Lexie out of the house though."

"Oh no, my little sister is *not* getting married before me," she insisted. "I don't care how cutesy they are together."

"That's sweet," Derek grinned, taking another sip of the morning blend.

"What is?" Meredith said as she stole the travel section of the paper.

"You. Lexie…you called her your sister," he remarked. "Don't look now, but you're getting good at this family thing."

"Well, she is. My younger sister, that is. That means I go first, right?" she replied, as if Lexie being her sister was the most natural statement on the planet.

"I guess we should plan ours then," he said with bright eyes and wiggling eyebrows. The more she trusted him, the more faith he had in himself as well, renewing the momentum that had abruptly stopped with the arrival of Addison.

"We can do that…" she said with a pause. "Derek?"

"Yes…?"

"How do we do that?" Meredith meekly asked.

"We can do it however you want," he said suggestively.

Meredith rolled her eyes, "How is it possible that you can turn anything dirty? You, Derek Shepherd, are a dirty old man."

"Ow!," he said, clasping his heart in a feigned wound. "Mean! You are a mean bride!"

"Yeah, well. If the shoe fits, or whatever."

"I can't help it if my bride to be is incredibly appealing," he laughed with her as he wrapped his arms around her waist, peering at the paper over her shoulder. "Mmm…Hawaii. We could just go there for our wedding."

"Veto. Cristina and I went there after…"

"Ah yes, when we were 'so over,'" he mocked.

"Now,who's mean?"

"Fine, fine, I'm sorry," he said, kissing the side of her face.

Leaning into him she said, "We could do the Bahamas, do the whole naked wedding thing". With that, Derek took Meredith's chin and kissed her just as he had when they arrived home the night before. She had thrown on his dress shirt when she woke up, but he was making short work of the buttons as he sat in his boxers.

"I dunno, you look like newlyweds from here," Mark laughed, causing Meredith to jolt back and grip the shirt close to her chest as she walked into the laundry room.

"Ah Mark…Lexie," Derek moaned in annoyance, "We were just talking about you."

"Far be it from me to judge a person on their bedroom proclivities, but that's a little kinky even for me," Mark wisecracked. "I mean, there was this one time that Lexie and I…"

Quickly, Lexie muffled Mark's mouth with her hand as she mumbled her apologies. "I figured you guys would have gotten up by now. It's after noon. I'm really really sorry."

"Mark, if you really want to be my best man," Derek grunted, pulling on his pants from the evening before, "get your own place."

Meredith reappeared in sweats, handing Derek his shirt. "Is it really that late?" she asked Lexie.

"Apparently," Derek sighed. "Can I get you guys anything? Coffee? The door?"

"Someone's cranky," Mark said, eliciting a glare from both Derek and Meredith. "What?"

"Well, now that you're here, make yourselves useful. We're trying to figure out our wedding," Meredith stated as she handed the travel section to Lexie.

"Ooh! Paris is so romantic, you guys should totally go there," she gushed. Meredith and Derek each looked at each other and grimaced as they shook their heads. They turned to Mark simultaneously and laughed. Derek mouthed 'good luck with that one' to his friend, Lexie completely oblivious to the mocking behind her back.

"You could just save us all the agony and go to Vegas. Wait no. Your mother would kill you, and then she'd kill me for letting you go," offered Mark.

"What kind of a wedding do you want, Mer?" Lexie asked.

"I dunno, something simple. Take everything Izzie planned, and then do the opposite, I guess. I don't want a dress that is heavier than I am…"

"Good luck with that," Mark whispered to Derek, who grinned a bit too wide.

"…I heard that, Mark!" Meredith yelled. "Or food I can't pronounce. It's the marriage, not the wedding. That's what I want."

Derek rested his head against his fist as he stared into Meredith's eyes. He smiled at her, realizing how lucky they were. As the afternoon wore on, the foursome came up every idea under the sun, from the sublime to the ridiculous. There was a lot of laughter, and even a few tears when Lexie and Meredith spoke about Alex's vows and Izzie's near silent response on the altar. They got into bed hours later, no closer to a decision on how the wedding would proceed. But before saying good night, he kissed her quick, like a habit. And they'd do it for the rest of their lives.

**I hope you enjoyed this little ficlet. Sorry to leave it so open, but I wanted to flow into the next episode, using this to fill in the blanks...  
**


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